by Rich Hanf

I never know when the call is going to come. Usually, like all great moments in life, it comes when you least expect it. Having recently wrapped the movie Wolfsbayne (Wolfsbaynethemovie.com) I was on my way to the set of my latest film, Demons 5: Bloodline (For Allied Horror). The film stars Gunnar Hansen from Chainsaw, Bill Moseley from 1000 Corpses, Linnea Quigley from Return of the Living Dead, Seth Green from Buffy, Robert England from Nightmare on Elm St, Kane Hodder from Fri 13th and of course...me... Jim O'Rear. When I answered the phone and knew what I had to do. I felt a rush of excitement, as in the back of my mind I had been hoping this call would come...now it had. I had been summoned...and I would answer.

Pulling a hard left I began phoning everyone on the set telling them I was canceling my appearance for the day. This was more important.

The road was deserted and densely populated with trees. I drove for what seemed like hours when suddenly there was a clearing...and there it stood. My blood ran cold. The old abandoned house stood there, alone, like a beacon in the night and a monument to all things spooky. As I made my way up the gravel walkway the flicker of candles danced through the broken windows. He had done it again. Hanf-A-Domous The Great had picked the perfect meeting place to depart to me his predictions for the Haunted House industry for 2005. The wooden steps creaked and almost gave way as I climbed them and opened the old gothic doors. As I entered the house I was met by the sound of a woman groaning...and moaning. My worst fears were confirmed as I stepped around mantle and into the main room. As I suspected!!! Hanf-A-Domous had been watching the Paris Hilton video!!! At least he remains consistent I thought. As I looked around I noticed a door that was open a crack. Through the door was a set of winding stone steps that led down into the belly of the house. I descended slowly, careful not to step on any rats. At the final step I rounded a stone pillar and there I was...standing in the secret lair of the Master himself...

Hanf-A-Domous the Great!!! Pictures of his heroes and inspirations were everywhere. Films by Russ Meyers, pictures of Betty Page, posters of 42nd St Pete, old programs from Chiller Theatre, music from J.P. Video (former keyboard player of Wayne County), movie trailers of Sinatra Undead, numerous copies his favorite genre movies... Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things, The Corpse Grinders, The Undertaker and his Pals, The Embalmers. Various Haunted House flyers served as scratch paper while dusty copies of Fright Times, Hauntworld, and Underground Entertainment were stacked up in the corner. Horror artwork was everywhere...many of the pieces rare and very collectable. Some of the pieces had obviously been used in his own world famous Haunted Houses...pieces that would fetch hundreds of thousands on Ebay...if they could only reach there!!!

I stopped in my tracks, my blood running cold!!! I felt someone's eyes upon me...I was being watched!!! I turned...quickly...and there he was...peering down upon me from his vantage point from a loft above...the man himself...knower of things unknown...seer of things unseen...the one and only...Hanf-A-Domous the Great!!!!!

This is the man I had come all this way to see. The moment had come. He had aged some since our last meeting and he now seemed to possess the wisdom of the ages. As he drew near, I bowed to greet him. I can still hear the words he greeted me with...

Jim O'Rear...Greetings oh resplendent one. It has been a year, how have you been?

Hanf-A-Domous...Forget that stuff...you got twenty bucks? I blew what I had on that Paris Hilton video!!!

Jim O'Rear...Why would you do such a thing...your greatness?

Hanf-A-Domous...Because it had the Pam Anderson video as a dvd extra!!!

Jim O'Rear...Of course...But before we begin I must ask you...why have you chosen to live in such

a desolate, out of the way place?

Hanf-A-Domous...Are you kidding??? This is the only place I could find that DIDN'T have any kind of internet access!!!

Jim O'Rear...But why don't you want access to the internet?

Hanf-A-Domous...I figured it's the only way to keep the "BS" that's on the IAHA message board out of my house. That stuff is terrible, completely dominated by non-haunters!!! Can you imagine an industry that has actual NON-HAUNTERS on its governing board? I mean, there is people on the board that have never owned or operated a haunted house trying to tell experienced Haunters what to do. It's just crazy!!!

Jim O'Rear...Once again your wisdom has shown through oh great one!!!

Hanf-A-Domous...Of course it has. Tell me this if you would...I heard rumors that you were responsible for Zombie Extreme going out of business...is that true?

Jim...Of course not...they actually did something this year...a haunted laser tag show...and they hope to resurrect "The Extreme"!!!

Hanf.... They are? Err ah.... I mean...THEY ARE!!!! Of course, I knew that.

Jim...Is that one of your predictions oh Great One?

Hanf... I guess it could be.

Jim...Great, then we have our first incredible prediction!!!

Hanf...Now that you mention it, I suppose you do.... and a pretty good one if I do say so myself.

Jim...you took the words right out of mouth oh splendiferous one!!! Are you now ready to divulge your remaining predictions so that the Haunted House industry can benefit from your wisdom?

Hanf.... I believe I am now ready...by the way...did I mention that I now accept credit cards?

Jim...We await you, he who knows all things!!!

#1...My first prediction is a conundrum that must go unanswered. It is a true riddle!!! When is Spookyworld not really Spookyworld??? That is the question. Now the answer... Having successfully predicted the demise of Spookyworld I now predict THE RETURN OF SPOOKYWORLD!!! That's correct...I am predicting that Spookyworld will in fact return...BUT Will it really be Spookyworld? All of Spookyworlds assets have been sold off at auction, the Foxboro site joins the Berlin site in terms of not being the home of Spookyworld anymore, and the man himself David Bertolino will no longer be involved with the new Spookyworld!!! With all this true, how can Spookyworld really be Spookyworld???

Jim...I am stunned by that prediction oh masterful one!!!

Hanf...Not as stunned as when I sent you that picture of Tina Krauss and me!!! I digress.

#2... Once again my spirit sources zero in on David Bertolino. I predict that despite many rumors saying he will, David has backed away from spearheading an industry wide sponsorship program. I see his responsibilities at "Charades" (and their 14 booths at Transworld) as being too overwhelming and too big a drain on his time to attempt to do a large project like a sponsorship program.

#3...Last year I predicted that the industry would have a very hard time getting adequate insurance...only to have several major insurance companies decide at the last minute not to insure Haunted Houses. I see this as a disturbing trend and predict that getting insurance will continue to be increasingly difficult. I hereby advise all Haunters reading this to make getting their insurance early a top priority!!!

#4...My next prediction concerns whispers amongst long time Haunters that there will be a backlash against Transworld in terms of getting experienced Haunters to speak at their seminars. Although some experienced Haunters, such as Ben Armstrong, have decided that their businesses are best served by keeping their lifetime worth of experience to themselves (and thereby declining invitations to speak at the seminars), I predict that Transworld will have no problem recruiting popular and experienced Haunters as speakers, and the program headed by the much respected Dennis Gorg will not only continue as is...but will flourish under the new Transworld leadership!!!

#5...Speaking of Transworld...I predict that Transworld's efforts to welcome Haunters back with open arms will not go unnoticed or unrewarded. Many a Haunter had a great 2004 season (predicted by me) and will come to Chicago with their pockets bulging with money to spend on their shows. That, coupled with Transworld's new "Haunter Friendly" attitude will make for happy times for both Haunters and Vendors alike.

Jim O'Rear...Your excellency...those are 5 hard hitting and controversial predictions!!! How will you ever top those???

Hanf...Go back to watching your gladiator movies and let me worry about the predictions!!! Wait...I've just been handed several envelopes.

Jim...What is in them?

Hanf...Keep your pants on and I'll find out...perhaps I should attempt to divine the answers by holding the envelopes to my head...I will use my psychic ability to "Read" the contents of the envelopes!!!

Jim...that's very exciting oh wonderful one!!!

Hanf...It reads... "Some torture devices, Non Haunters wasting everyone's time, and the former IAHA board"

Jim..."Some torture devices, Non Haunters wasting everyones time, and the former IAHA board".

Hanf...Name some racks, some whacks, and some hacks...yaw ha

Jim...That was brilliant oh diviner of all things...

Hanf...May you incur the wrath of Jim Warfield after you accidentally run over Mr. Tuxedo during a visit to Ravens Grin Inn!!! Sim Sala Bim

Jim...Thank you oh Royal one, but tell me...are you ready with the next five predictions???

Hanf...Yes I am corpse breath...here goes...

#6...Unfortunately, I have to predict that another industry magazine will bite the big one. As you may remember, it was I who predicted the death of both Fright Times magazine and especially Scared Stiff magazine. My spirits tell me that while one industry magazine continues to get more and more subscribers, more and more advertising, with more and more stories...another industry rag will begin to founder until it proves itself to be too much of a financial liability to continue. As is always the case...the magazine that features Hanf-A-Domous will continue to have it subscriber base grow as the result of so many Haunters needing to know the future of Haunting.

Jim.... and Hauntworld is the ONLY place to read Hanf-A-Domous predicts!!!

Hanf...Correct...and may a group of Satan Worshipers move in as your new next door neighbors!!!

Jim...YIKES!!!!!

#7...This is a large-scale business prediction. As is the case with Home Depot and other "superstores", I predict the emergence of more and more "Halloween Superstores". These Mega Monster Stores will continue to put the small costume stores out of business unless they learn to diversify and do year round costume rentals, prop rentals, and special events!!!

Jim...That's positively prophetic...you are truly the Master of all unseen...of all unknown!!! How do you do it???

Hanf...Well, since I quit IAHA and no longer had all my time wasted by non Haunters monopolizing the message boards, I found I had plenty of time to make predictions. I predict that if EVERYONE quit IAHA and used that free time to work on their Haunt...well, we would see some kick ass shows wouldn't we???

Jim...Again, you show the wisdom of the ages!!!

Hanf...Are you calling me OLD???

Jim...Never oh one of many wonders...pray continue!!!

#8...Predictions 4 & 5 had to do with the success of the Transworld Trade Show. This prediction concerns another trade show...later on in the year. Unfortunately, what I see for this show is nothing short of GRIM!!!!! Regrettably, I predict that 2005 will be the final year for Jengacon. The spirits tell me that many of last year's attendees were "home haunters", not professional haunters. Those home Haunters simply did not...and do not...have the money to spend like Pro Haunters do. In addition, real Haunters will spend their money at the industry's biggest and baddest show...Transworld!!! The lack of "real money" at the show will mean fewer and fewer vendors willing to attend, which means fewer and fewer buyers willing to attend. It produces a downward spiral that can almost never be broken. In very short order the show will cost more to produce that it will take in. Unfortunately, the future of Jengacon is bleak!!!

Jim...That's 8 incredible predictions!!!

Hanf...By the way...hand me the rest of those envelopes. I'll hold them to my head and see what they say. Hummmmm...A body of water, a dead guy, and anyone claiming to represent the Haunted House industry.

Jim...A body of water, a dead guy, and anyone claiming to represent the Haunted House industry.

Correct...and may you go out on a date with a strange looking woman only to realize its Crazy Bob Turner dressed in drag!!!! Yaw Ha!!!

Jim...Disturbing...oh seer of all things!!!

Hanf...OK...show me a lake, a wake, and a FAKE!!!!!

Jim.... ho ho ho ho ho

Hanf...Do you need a girl?

Jim...No, why do you ask?

Hanf... You keep saying ho ho ho!!!

Jim...pray tell oh knower of things unknown...please continue

#9...I predict the industry will be stunned to learn that John Denley has sold off all his Haunted Attraction interests in Salem, has bought a recording studio, and is "this close" to music stardom. Last year I predicted that John would leave the business in order to pursue his singing career but even Hanf-A-Domous was surprised by his degree of success. It seems that John is as talented a singer as he is a Haunter!!!!! Get your autographs at the Transworld show while you still can!!!

#10...I predict an ever changing attitude towards the home Haunter. Although most professional Haunters were once willing to openly share advise, give a helping hand, help educate etc., the obnoxious attitudes of some home haunters on the message boards, lack of respect, lack of recognition of the dues most pro Haunters have paid, have helped to turn the tide against the home haunter and most pro Haunters now want nothing to do with them.

Jim...That's it...you've done it again!!!!! 10 big predictions for the year 2005!!!!!

Hanf...11 actually if you count the Zombie Xtreme prediction I started with. And I have a bonus prediction for you as well!!!!!

Bonus Prediction...I predict tragedy will befall Cydney Neil. After years of trying to deny who she really is...after years of letting it be known that she is leaving the Haunted House biz... I predict that Cydney will suffer the unkindest cut of all. She will finally realize that she is a Haunter...that's right...it will dawn on her that in reality, she is ONE OF US!!!!! Of course whoever is with her when this realization strikes will have to dial 911 in a hurry but I predict Cydney will make a full recovery and actually go on to embrace the industry she has so long tried to escape from...as it is written so shall it be!!!!!

Jim...Hanf-A-Domous...your magnificence, you have done it again. You have successfully predicted what will happen in the Haunted House business for the year 2005.

Hanf...Of course I have...and may you be overcharged by a well know industry consultant.... yaw ha!!!

Jim...Did I mention that I was also in "It Came From Trafalgar"...with an all-star cast???

Hanf...Let's just say your movie career and the Titanic have a lot in common...BOTH SUNK!!

Jim...Thank you oh great one...will I see you again next year at another secret location?

Hanf...Not if I'm lucky...by the way...on your way out would you mind handing me that Paris Hilton video?

Disclaimer: The commentary expressed through this article isn't necessarily the expressed views or opinions of Hauntworld Magazine.